Letter to Myself

Dear sweet pea,

Two days from now you are about to face a challenge in your life, one that will determine your future and commence all your hard work in the past. It has been a bumpy road, highs and lows. Despite of yearning for something to hold on to and a hug, you always pick yourself up. Never get tired of doing that, hold on, we are almost there! I can’t assure you that everything will turn out fine but I want you to do your best, at the end of the day God will be there to help you but you must also do your part. Reach the end fighting. Reach the end knowing that you have done YOUR part. Cry. Let it all out. But come back. Wipe those tears and stop blogging, start to freaking study.

xoxo

 

Ink

I wanted to start this letter by saying that today was really hard but I can’t. Mainly because a) when has it ever been easy? and b) I honestly liked being with you the whole day, until it ended and I realized this is where we’ll ever be. From the very beginning it has been a battle – should I stay away or remain the same. I chose the latter thinking the more we repress what we feel, the more we go crazy (you know this). What makes it even harder is that I consider you one of my best friends. The moment you told me what you felt, I thought I was ready. Ready to tell you what you should do and set the boundaries where things should be. Still, it seems that my heart get ahead of myself. You can’t imagine how hard it must have been for me to say ‘no’ last sunday. I wanted to say ‘yes’ in a whim, afterall I have the same plan as yours. But I can’t, I can’t play my usual ‘I’m innocent’ card. Today, I was even disappointed that you can’t walk me home. You told me that your company might just be the thing I’m after, to be honest I was doing fine without you (no offense), so I don’t think so. Why I am writing this when at the end of the day I will prefer us to be just friends? To let you know that I also feel the same. Just the wrong circumstance. If my old self will see this, I’m so sure she’ll tell me that I’m being stupid. But I’m just doing the things she haven’t – being honest and letting the person important to me know what I feel. I just hope that the future me have already sorted this out and make sense of what is happening. I don’t know how my thoughts will affect you, but I’m pretty sure that if you change, it will hurt. Yet, I know I’ll be alright ’cause I’m a unicorn. One day, may we look at this day and laugh of how stupid we were but for now…

To my brother:
I was going thru my old files when I came across the message you had given me 2 or 3 years ago. Funny how it shown itself when I needed it, I was feeling down and wanted to burst into tears. Since your sister is a cold blooded bitch, not a drop came out. But when I opened it and read the first paragraph I lose it. I decided to go to the park and the whole time I was reading, I’m crying like crazy. Nong, you always know how to read me and tho we might not agree most of the time, in dark times I know I’ll be alright cause you always have my back. When you opened up that there was a time you wanted to end your life, I hated myself. I hate that you can’t share those doubts to me, that you have undergone the pain alone. I hope you are alright now. P.S. In your letter you told me to start my masters the year after, now I’m on my 2nd year. Funny how things turns out fine 🙂

P.S.
I was reading my brother’s letter in the park with a song in the background, guess what it is! And I was reminded of the pain I felt 4 years ago. I realized its the same feeling now but even worse, ’cause this time we don’t stand a chance. And as I am starting to write this letter, the rain started to shower, as if the weather don’t even want me to emote. I am currently waiting for my service for the mass, with me is a prayer that may we both gonna be alright.

So Far So Good

End of February na. Omg. Una sa tnan indi ko any mag English. Bag.o lang ko nagbasa tulun.an ko kag dugo pa ilong ko. Second month of the year. So far I loved it. I mean steady lang, kun kaisa ga ugtas ko kay bal.an mo na ang feeling? Chooos. Literally set aside other pursuits muna kay ga barakang pa ang akon mga dapat ubrahon. Hopefully ma achieve ko tanan, take note TANAN ko nga handum this year. I’m positive man ah. Okies.

Que nuestra canción no deje de latir
Solo con tu amor yo puedo existir

Charox.

 

XOXO

A Blessed 2018

I declare that 2018 will be a blessed year for me. As Edmond said in Origin, History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. I just hope that all my frustrations and mishaps from last year will never happen again and all things will be well. XOXO

What to do?

After skipping my workout for days due to fever I recently finished my benchmark run this morning. Yes! That is my idea of how I start my perfect weekend. After the run I did yoga and head off to my go-to coffee shop and eat my favorite pasta. I did schoolwork and prepare for my upcoming seminar. I have been pretty busy lately and I realized that taking up 3 subjects in one semester while working will seriously eat up my time. The thing is I have lots of pending assignments and report. I haven’t even started studying for an exam next week and I don’t know what to do next. Haha. I know being busy is an overused word but trust me I am. Anyways I really wanted this to I know all this effort will be worth it. Keep smiling 🙂

 

P.S. Watched Greys Anatomy season premier. That makes it even more perfect haha.

Road to become a “Master”

It has always been the plan, go to Manila, find a job and take a Master’s degree. A month after my arrival I did land a job with my desired tasks and it has been pretty busy ever since. Nights were spent eating out, running or just chilling in the house with my guitar or my favorite series. It was a typical independent life, doing laundry on Tuesday nights was non-negotiable, until I started hitting the gym and it become “power tuesday”. Weekends meant eating out again or climbing mountain and going to church. Travelling became my goto escape and refresher.

Earlier this year I finally decided, I’m going to apply for a Master’s degree in Information Systems in UPOU. It is a distance learning school of University of the Philippines. I’ve always been hesitant to pursue graduate school for a lot of reasons, first, I believe I should first acquire a stable and hardcore knowledge in the field – at this point I think 5 years of experience is already acceptable. Second, time management – I know I will be missing a lot of eating out and travelling because of school but when I think of it, when will it be the right time to start? Yes, the answer is now.

After I submitted my application, I am not really confident that I will be accepted in the program. On my mind I will be fine even if I didn’t make the cut – more time and no additional expenses. I’ll try again next year or try to apply in another school. But a week before the month of June ended, the expected date of announcement, I went home to attend my brother’s graduation. My first time to attend a UP graduation ceremony, everyone was in filipiniana and barong, it was pretty cool. Right after they are proclaimed graduates, instead of toga hats being thrown up in the air they chant some protest, I said to myself, I should be here in the next few years. June 28, 2017, two more days until the month ends, finally they posted the name of admitted students. I immediately saw 25 names and mine wasn’t there, yes its partial but the last name on the list starts from A to F and I have D! Every five minutes I checked their site and I witnessed how the list is being added with names periodically. 4 PM, 50 names and the last one starts with letter Y. My hope was nowhere to be found, I attended a mass earlier during lunch and I said to myself maybe this isn’t for me. I continue doing my work, coding and try to coordinate with my office mate on how to work with our system. My mind was completely out of the results dilemma, at this point I should perform well at work. Thirty minutes later, while I intently listen to my manager as he discusses the features that needs to be added in the app, an email notification flashed on my laptop. My heart was racing, I delightedly answer to his questions but in my mind I can’t wait to check my inbox. Could this be it? It took about 10 minutes more to keep the suspense and when I opened my mailbox, YES I did it! Of course I also checked the official site and there it is in caps lock, my full name with id number 2017-302XX. I can’t wait to start my graduate school life, I can’t wait to test my time management and stress management skills haha. After 5 years I will be back at school, so for the next weeks before the school start I will be maximizing my time going places and eating out more ’cause its about to get real. Game On!

Happy first Lord Commander

To play the guitar was one of the skills I wanted to acquire for a very long time. As a Taylor Swift fan on my teenage years, I dream of singing the songs I like while strumming the hell of the strings. I tried playing simple songs my friends had taught me, but to practice it regularly was a challenge. I didn’t have my own instrument so I never really had a chance to play regularly. Until summer of 2016 that I religiously focused on playing and rekindle my inclination. All along there has been a guitar sitting still at home, no one bothered to play, so I borrowed it. Each day I sat on the living room and played until the strings snapped – literally! Two weeks have passed and I had swollen fingertips, my manner of playing? Also swollen. Haha. I am so passionate that I would even tell a friend of mine, do I need to continue this? I think I don’t have a natural gift to even strum the right way. And as expected, what a true friend normally does, he will tell me that I will get better, I just need to practice often. And I did. A month later I could change the strings by myself (oops it snapped again). My fingertips are still covered with band aids or plaster, yes it doesn’t really heal, maybe because I don’t let it by not giving myself a break even a day. There has been an improvement with my practice though, I would like to give myself that credit. I’ve been investing a lot of my time in this passion, so I thought it’s about time to also invest and buy my own instrument.

By June, I finally got my own guitar. Surprisingly, it is a white acoustic from RJ, no wonder it got its name Jon Snow. My best friend was the one who recommended it, because of its color! I’ve been eyeing this model for weeks and planned to get the natural one but by the time we purchased it ran out of stock. I was in the verge of not buying but I eventually did, turns out I loved it a lot. It somehow inspired me to practice even more and learn fingerstyle. I love to learn the classics and a few songs I’ve learned was “Lost Star” and “When you say nothing at all”. How quickly time flies and I can’t believe its been a year. Music has been a passion of mine and playing a new instrument intensified it. You can just leave me an ice cream or beer with my guitar and I’ll be having fun. I shared a lot of memories with my beloved snow and I know there will be more. What a year it has been lord commander, so cheers to making good music and happiness 🙂

Rides in Dike

For so many years I manage to maintain my blog, writing my thoughts and pouring my emotions. I can say that its really therapeutic, I can even revisit some entry here and laugh as I remember my feelings at the time. This is the only place where I can actually vent out without thinking what others would say. If you are here right now you might either be a) a stranger that stumbled upon an entry about my love for music or b) someone that I actually love and trust (naks).

For the past years I had a privilege of traveling, seeing the world in different point of view. And as my eyes capture a variety of beauty, I can’t help but think, this images should be in my blog. Instagram is a really nice platform for breathtaking shots but places and things are more than just that. Places reminds us of a state of mind, it could be fun, serene, exhilarating or even peculiar. A simple picture of my coffee on a Saturday morning could mean so much to me. It might be a depiction of my perfect weekend, for as I sip the taste of caffeine I enjoy watching the latest episode of Greys Anatomy.

I went home last April with a heavy heart, losing Mama left me heartbroken. Despite the purpose of my homecoming I learned a lot of things (which will be on a separate blog) and had the chance to do what I love which is riding the bicycle. Whenever I had the time (basically when someone is attending the wake) we are visiting the riverside park at our town. Morning, late afternoon or even evening, we rode our bikes and roam around the place. The thing is when you are pedaling you had the chance to enjoy the scenery more, rather than running, the thing I used to do when going to the same place. The sun might be piercing our skin on mornings but the salty breeze of air left us refreshed and surely wake us up. For those who wants challenge there is even an area where the road is so narrow, one wrong move and will land you 3 meters high from the ground. To test your endurance you can also ride till you reach the next barangay. In that area you will feel like you’re someplace else in their autumn season. If only I’m with someone I like I will catch a maple leaf, I mean mahogany leaf (haha sorry Goblin reference). Before sunset is what I consider the lovers hour, they would sit on the brink of the dike and bond. It is so majestic that even for a stage 1 cynical like me I would actually consider it picture perfect. On the other side is a makeshift soccer field with a bunch of teenagers and kids playing. Who knows there could be one David Beckham in the making. As the sun set we looked for a vacant place, parked our bikes and started to munch potato fries. Few minutes of serenity, and will surely induce you to think of your life choices. But as we take another sip of our fruit shakes, a group of men walked toward us trying to strike a conversation. Turns out a ship is docked nearby and they are in their free-happy-hour time. We weren’t in the mood to make friends so we left and go somewhere in a whim. The next morning we were surprised to see the same set of people so we went on the other side of the bridge. We tried to ride on the riverside. As we reached the riverbank we cleaned our bikes only to draw more dirt as we are supposed to pass a dusty trail going back to the road. The funny thing is, on the river area our competition on the trail are big trucks that carry gravel so we have to stop twice to make them pass.

Aside from those times when my mom occasionally opposes my coming to the place for different reasons, I had a blast and surely missing the thrill. I’m literally counting the days as 1 month from now I’ll be coming home again. There’s been so many heartbreaks lately, disappointments and my schedule was pretty hectic without the feeling of fulfillment. Moments like these takes me to a happy place and eases my worries. Adventure fills my spirit and makes me more alive. So, see you on my next ride!

Mama

This past few days wasn’t easy, I lost someone very dear to my heart – Mama. April 1, 2016 at 4:16 PM I received a call from Manong, his voice wasn’t clear he is sobbing, “Did Nanay texted you? Mama is gone.” “What?” That didn’t register so well. I was in the comfort room so I walked in the corner and asked again. I gave an unsure cry then stopping right away, I need to verify that. I might be a subject of their ill joke, a very bad one. The signal was not cooperating so I went outside. “What are you talking about?” I asked again. “Mama is gone, wait I have to call Nanay” he answered and hang up. Then this was the longest 5 minutes of my life.

I can’t believe what I heard, last night Mama and I was just on the phone. She kept on talking about the lumpia shes preparing for the grand reunion in our elementary alma mater. With every chance she could get she kept mentioning how much she wanted to get a perm. I would tell her “Ma your still beautiful. Natural beauty dapat Ma.” “Ma gwapa kaman ya japon” I’m trying to make her laugh but for her its a serious business. I don’t know but the idea of recording our conversation crossed my mind. I thought I need to record this and collect it, I would oftentimes crack a joke and boy I never failed. Me even projecting in the camera while we video call is always a hit, with her I never miss. I never felt like she is saying goodbye. That I thought was wrong. It was.
I was trying to reach both Nanay and Manong but to no avail. 4:21 PM, Manong’s name flashes on my screen. He was crying profusely, I also cried hard and even harder when she gave the phone to my niece. I was with my vg friends so we prayed. I was closing my eyes not thinking much of what is happening around me. When I opened my eyes it was damp and raining so hard. It was like God saying she’ll be in a better place now, in my kingdom. I excused myself if I could go ahead of them and thoughtful as they are they even accompany me to church. I went to attend a mass before going home. When I reached home I wanted to be strong and felt that I’m going to be ok, I had already cried enough. Trying to do normal things I browse my facebook and saw my niece’s post about Mama. I cried endlessly, it suddenly dawned on me. I was just crying, even wailing. I only stopped when I felt that I can’t barely breath. No one is around and my only housemate was asleep, something might happen to me and they will only realize it hours later. I put myself together and went to my room.

Days had gone. 12 days to be exact. I’m on my way home and see Mama’s body. For the first time I won’t be coming home running just to hug her frail body, alive. For days I was laughing with my friends not showing any hint of grief, now I have to face it. I don’t want to look so devastated but by the looks of it I don’t know if I can handle it. On the plane I remember memories and I just wanna cry. Just a few more minutes, an hour perhaps. Am I ready to go home? I dont think so. But I will, for Mama.

The Goldrush in Coldplay Concert

Coldplay’s visit in the Philippines was a hit. For fans who had A Head Full Of Dreams, its announcement last year of having a concert here was Magic. Like the Speed Of Sound it took over the social media, All Your Friends surely knows. I remember I was In My Place when I heard the news, I kept saying Don’t Panic. Excitement really filled my whole body and it felt like I’m on a Violet Hill. I will even Talk with my friend ’til Midnight how Fun the night will be. With A Hopeful Transmission I contacted anyone I know, all the Brothers and Sisters that could help me get a pass. I’m ready to go even an Army of One in SM tickets just to purchase but I have work. Its Always In My Head, that’s the Trouble, I know myself when I had X Marks The Spot I’ll go even Up In Flames just to get it. Globe launched a campaign where one can purchase a ticket and it made us wait for a certain time to text a code for reservation. Clocks kept ticking and as the last second hit the said time, I sent the code and waited for a reply. It was a Ghost Story, minutes suspended in nothingness. The waiting game was the Hardest Part, but the reply, it Hurts Like Heaven. We felt like we are victimized by some advertisement scheme, my friend would say Don’t Let It Break Your Heart but it just did. It was such a Major Minus emotion. I was so disappointed and I swear I never felt Something Just Like This. Still, I felt that my dream of seeing Coldplay live will happen soon, like God Put A Smile Upon Your Face. It may not be this time but this Ink in my heart shall not fade because it will happen in a different place and time. After all life is like a Kaleidoscope, a beautiful immersion of dancing colors and surprises. Its Color Spectrum is undeniable and will leave you an Adventure Of A Lifetime. Who knows, maybe I’ll see you on that concert? Always remember it is still an Amazing Day.